PODCAST TRANSCRIPT | EPISODE 327: What Do You Do While You Wait for The Man of Your Dreams? Part 3
LIFE TO THE FULL w/ Nancy Campbell
EPISODE 327
: What Do You Do While You Wait for The Man of Your Dreams? Part 3
Caitlin joins me again for this session as we discuss together the question: What qualities should a girl look for in a husband? We discuss 12 different qualities in this session—and more next week.
Announcer: Welcome to the podcast, Life to The Full, with Nancy Campbell, founder and publisher of Above Rubies.
Nancy Campbell: Hello, ladies! This is our third session on the subject of “What Do We Do While We Wait for the Man of Our Dreams?” When I started this podcast three weeks ago with Caitlin, we thought we were only going to do one. But we have kept going because there’s so much to say on this subject.
Once again, Caitlin, I must say how wonderful it is to have you on the podcast and to have you for one more session before you and Elizabeth leave us, which will be so sad. We have actually had, in our home, over 170 lovely young ladies who have come to live with us to be helpers of the Above Rubies ministry.
Most of them stay for about two months at a time. Then they get back to get on with other things in their lives. Some girls stay on longer. I had one girl who stayed on for a year! We’ve had many girls who have come back a second time, like you girls came last year, and again this year, and hopefully next year!
In this session, ladies, I want to talk about the qualities that a young girl should be looking for in a man who is going to be worth marrying. Actually, it was quite a number of podcasts ago that I shared about this. Do you remember? Because you were listening.
Caitlin: Yes! I do remember it! That was before I was a Ruby Girl that I actually listened to that podcast. It was, I think, just a couple of weeks before I came that my mom called me. She said, “Caitlin, you have to listen to this podcast! It’s so good! There are so many great points that are covered in this podcast about seeking out a good, godly man, and what to look for in a future husband.”
As I listened to it, and I remember it was one of the first days that I was here, I told you how inspiring that had been, because, of course, I had always had those points in the back of my mind that, OK, I would look for this quality in a man. But it was so good to see a list, and really visualize it, and pray on each topic, each point.
Nancy: When I shared that, I hadn’t planned to share them in that podcast, and I’d just begun thinking about it. I shared the thoughts that I had. But since then, I have developed it more and I now have 21 points. You know how I always have many points when I’m talking about a subject. I have 21 points, and I thought what we would do, now that I have it fully developed, we will go through these points, because I believe this is not just for daughters looking for the right man.
It’s for everyone, yes, for young daughters, beautiful young people who are looking to know, “Is this the right man?” It’s good to have these character qualities to check out. Therefore, this is good for young girls who should be looking for that.
But then again, if these are the qualities that you're looking for in a young man, well, you need to have those same qualities yourself. It comes back on us, yes, as single girls. Now, I’m no longer single, of course, but for all those singles listening, “Are these qualities in my life?”
Then it comes back to all of us parents, because we’re the ones who are training these young people, these young men, these young women, and preparing them for marriage. I believe that one of the most important things that we do as a parent is to prepare our children for marriage. I think that’s one of the greatest things we do.
We need to keep that in our minds as we’re training our children. “Am I preparing this son of mine, and this daughter of mine, to be a godly husband, or a godly wife? One who will make a wonderful marriage and continue the godly generations?” Because if the marriage isn’t working, well, that breaks up a marriage and it breaks the chain of the godly generations.
I believe that’s why God said in His Word in Malachi, the last book of the Old Testament; in Malachi 2:16, He said: “I hate divorce.” Now God loves divorced people, but He hates the spirit of divorce because it touches the godly seed. That’s what the Word goes on to say.
The question is, what does God look for in a marriage? The answer comes ringing back: “I look for godly offspring.” That is a powerful thing, because that word “godly,” the word is literally Elohim. That word is a word that is the name of God. It’s the very first name of God which is used in the Bible. “In the beginning, God.” That word is Elohim.
Then we read in Malachi: “I want Elohim children.” Isn’t that incredible? God is looking for children, for young people, for young men, young women, who are revealing His character. This is our vision, and our mandate, as we are parenting and training our children, and preparing them first of all, for a godly marriage.
Caitlin: Yes, and I have to say, I have learned so much just by watching my mother’s example, if I can give my mom a shout-out here. I love her so much, and she’s taught me so much by her example. Both my parents, and how they live in their marriage, and how it’s such a beautiful thing. They really teach me and my siblings how they, in their marriage, honor the Lord. That’s inspiring for me. Therefore, I desire a marriage like that someday.
Nancy: So, it’s important to teach these character qualities, but the greatest way is what we show to our children. My husband just wrote this down the other day, He said: “Here’s a good quote for you, Nancy.” This is what he wrote:
“The way we love one another as husband and wife will be the greatest thing that we pass onto our children, our grandchildren, our great-grandchildren, and future generations.”
Children . . . it doesn’t matter what we say, they see. When they see that we love one another, that does so much for them. That gives them a desire to have a wonderful, godly, incredible, passionate, loving marriage themselves.
Let’s get on with these points. These are things that I believe, as a young daughter getting ready, in those years, looking for, well, waiting for that man who God will bring you to, these are some wonderful things to look for.
No. 1. A MAN WHO IS COMMITTED TO SEXUAL PURITY
The Bible speaks of virgins. A virgin young woman, a virgin young man, getting married. It’s virgins who get married, not those who are non-virgins. Of course, sadly, in this incredible, fornicating, evil world in which we live, there is much of this going on.
This is so sad. It’s so sad for a couple to come to marriage and they’re not virgins. They miss out. But then again, many of them don’t know the Lord. Then they will find God. He will save them, and forgive them, and heal them, and make them pure and holy, because He has promised to wash away our sins. “Though our sins are red like crimson, they shall be as white as snow.”
So, He may lead a man who is not a virgin, but who has come to a place of true salvation, and the washing away of his sins, and is walking in total purity. That is the thing. A man must be walking in purity, and a young woman must be walking in purity. That’s number one! Amen?
Caitlin: Yes, it’s all about the condition of the heart for sure.
Nancy: Yes.
No. 2. A MAN WHO IS FREE FROM PORNOGRAPHY
Oh goodness me, if a young man is delving in pornography, run! Run from him, because pornography destroys marriages. Sadly, there is so much in this world today, especially with all that can happen on iPhones. Young people have such access to iPhones. It is so sad.
Young people today, girls and guys, have to live in victory against all that is around them, and all that can come up on their iPhones and social media, and so on. They must live a disciplined life in this area. Hopefully, a young man may never be a victim of this awful thing which becomes such a stronghold. But if he has, you have to know that he has complete and total victory before you consider a relationship with him.
No. 3. A MAN WHO FEARS THE LORD
I love that passage in Psalm 112:1 which says: “Blessed is the man that feareth the LORD, that delighteth greatly in His commandments. His children shall be mighty upon earth: the generation of the upright shall be blessed.” I think one of the greatest blessings is to marry a man who fears the Lord, because the promise is that a man who fears the Lord will bring forth righteous generations.
You, as the wife, are going to be blessed if you marry a man who fears the Lord; not just goes to church. There was a time . . . I was brought up in our church as a young child, and as a young teenager. We got preached from the pulpit, “You must not marry an unbeliever! You cannot be unequally yoked with an unbeliever! You must marry a believer!”
Now that is very, very good advice. But today, you need more than that, because there are so-called believers, wow, who are not really living a godly life and are not walking in the fear of the Lord. It’s more than finding some guy who goes to church, or some guy who says he’s a Christian. You’ve got to check out if he truly fears the Lord.
Caitlin: Yes, if he’s walking with the Lord. Yes, you see so many young men, men sadly in the church who are not truly walking with the Lord, and seeking His ways in everything, and surrendering everything in his life to the Lord. It’s so sad, because yes, you can’t just say, “Oh, I’ll marry a man who goes to church and is a believer,” because you have to look deeper and deeper.
Nancy: Yes, absolutely!
No. 4. A MAN WHOS LOVES GOD’S WORD
We want to try to find a man who not only believes the Bible is true. Oh, there are plenty of men around like that! Yes, they believe the Bible is true but how much do they love His Word?
How much do they actually read His Word? Do you see them having a love for the Word of God? Do you see them loving to be in the Word? When you're with them, do they want to talk about what they’ve been learning from the Word of God? You’d better check that out.
Caitlin: Right. And this goes back to what we were talking about a couple of podcasts ago. If you haven’t heard those, go back and listen for sure. We were talking about how these years of singleness are a wonderful time for us to dig deep into God’s Word, because we won’t have the unlimited access to time that we may have right now, to dig deep into God’s Word for hours on end.
It’s so important, if we want a man who is a man of the Word, then we must be women of the Word for sure, and filling our minds and our hearts with Scripture, and that it is constantly on our tongues.
Nancy: Yes, yes. I love 1 John 2:14. John is writing to the fathers, and then the young men. He says: “I have written unto you, fathers, because ye have known Him that is from the beginning. I have written unto you, young men, because ye are strong, and the word of God abideth in you, and ye have overcome the wicked one.”
That’s a beautiful picture of a young man who’s walking in the fear of the Lord and loving the Word of God. Therefore, he’s strong in the Lord. He knows how to overcome the enemy. He’s got the Word in his heart.
The Bible says in Ephesians 5:25, that one of the criteria of a husband is that he washes his wife with the Word. It says here: “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word.” That’s such a beautiful picture of what a husband is to do. Well, if he doesn’t really spend much time in the Word before he’s married, is he going to do that when he’s married?
Caitlin: Right! Absolutely.
Nancy: There are so many husbands who really don’t even know how to pick up the Word. I have wives coming to me and saying, “Oh, I’d just so love to have family devotions with my family, but my husband doesn’t want to take it. He doesn’t even feel familiar with the Word of God.”
If you have a picture of what you want for your future children, and you want to be bringing them up in the ways of the Lord, well, you've got to have a husband who will lead, a father who will lead them in the ways of the Lord and have a desire to teach them in His Word.
Caitlin: Yes, I heard someone say recently that as you're seeking a husband, it’s so important to keep in mind that you, as the woman, have the power to choose your children’s father. That’s an amazing thought, when you think about it.
Your children don’t get to choose their father, but you get to be the one who makes that decision for them. You definitely want to take that into serious consideration, finding a man who would lead your family, and be a godly father, the kind of father who desires to be like Jesus, like our heavenly Father.
Nancy: I love what you said there. It’s not just choosing a husband; it’s choosing your children’s father. What kind of a father will he be? And will he be one who has such a love for God’s Word that he will teach it to his children? Amen.
No. 5. A MAN WHO LOVES TO PRAY
These are basic things, but they’re so important. I think, when you really want to get into a true courting relationship with a young man, if you know he’s not interested in prayer, he’s not someone who ever wants to go to prayer meetings . . . but if you see a young man who’s always at the prayer meetings and you hear him praying, wow! Ooh, that’s so cool!
That’s something I noticed when I began our friendship with my husband, Colin. He was a man of prayer, even back then. We’d be walking along the road and talking about something, and he’d just move into prayer. That was part of his life. It’s still part of his life. We wake up in the morning and he wakes up praying. It is such a blessing.
You’ve got to see it before you get married. You’ve got to see that in that young man, because if he’s not interested in praying now, is he going to be interested when you’re married?
Caitlin: What’s going to change?
Nancy: No, he’s not! If you cannot pray together as a couple, if that doesn’t become part of your friendship, well, is he going to do it when you're married? No. So, look for a man who loves to pray, who loves to be at prayer meetings.
I know lots of young men who are not interested in being at prayer meetings. Then I see so many of these young guys on the Hilltop, they’re going to grow into amazing young men and fathers, because they’re there at the prayer meetings and they are praying. It’s so incredible.
No. 6. A MAN WHO IS NOT A WIMP
Oh, I love that, don’t you?
Caitlin: Oh, yes! Absolutely! This world is full of grown-up boys, not really men. It’s such a tragedy, it really is.
Nancy: I think that’s one of the saddest things. I see so many beautiful girls, and some of them are getting older, into their mid-twenties, late twenties, thirties, and there are some in their forties. They’re still desperate. They haven’t found a man. It’s not easy to find a true man who is not a wimp.
In many churches today, there are young men, and they’re lovely young men. They love the Lord, but many of them, I don’t know . . . was it their parents, was it their church? Who was it who did not prepare them for marriage? But they’re in their mid-twenties, and oh yeah, they might have a girlfriend, but they are not ready to take the responsibility of getting married, or of taking on children coming into the marriage, and being open to children. Because if a couple is not open to embracing children, they’re not ready to marry!
Some of them are not even ready to take that responsibility because they’re wimps! They’re boys, as you say. We, as parents, have such responsibility. As I said before, one of our biggest things as parents is preparing our children for marriage. That is, preparing our sons to be providers, preparing them from young men, to teach them that this is their role, that they will be the provider. They’re not expecting their wife to go out and be the provider. She will be in the home, raising the children. But he will be the provider.
We’re encouraging them, even while they’re young, to get jobs, take on different things, learning to be entrepreneurs, even when they’re young, so they have that providing mentality in their brains. It’s so important!
Now, when you look at a young guy and you may be falling in love with him, he may not be a millionaire. He doesn’t have to be. He doesn’t even have to have much, but you have to see that he is a man who wants to work, and wants to provide, and not a wimp.
Caitlin: Yes, and thrive as a provider.
Nancy: In fact, many times, oh, I just love it, when we’ll have maybe a Shabbat meal, and we’re missing out on our Shabbat meal tomorrow with all the girls. We planned it. Now something else is on. Anyway, I love it, and sometimes when I have all the granddaughters and Above Rubies girls, I’ll say, “OK, let’s go round the table and share the qualities you would love in a man you’d love to marry.” They always love to talk about that.
Caitlin: Oh yes, they are some of the most beautiful conversations that we have, because everybody has something different, different ideas they bring to the table. We’ll all go, “You know what, that’s a really good point! I hadn’t thought about that, really.” So, yes, those are some amazing conversations we have.
Nancy: I usually find there’s one thing they all bring up: “I don’t want to marry a wimp!” No girl wants to marry a wimp.
Caitlin: You want a strong man, yes! Who’s going to protect and defend you.
Nancy: Oh yes! Yes. So, let’s raise men, mothers! We don’t want to raise wimps, do we?
No. 7. A MAN OF COMMITMENT
A man who you know will be committed to his marriage to the end of his days. Amen.
No. 8. A MAN WHO LOVES TO BLESS HIS FAMILY
I just mentioned our Shabbat meal. We have Shabbat every Friday night. It’s our most beautiful meal of the week when the husband blesses his wife. That is perhaps one of the main things of the Shabbat meal, where the father, the husband reads Proverbs 31. Then he blesses his wife. Then, as a father, he blesses each of his children.
That’s such a beautiful thing. To do that, he has to have that in his heart, to be a man who loves to bless, and to bless his wife, bless his children. That is really such a beautiful character of God. When we see, we go back to the beginning. I love going back to the beginning all the time. When God created male and female, who knows what is the next thing God did? What did He do?
The very first thing he did after He created them was, He blessed them. He blessed them. That’s in God’s heart. He’s a blessing God. He is our Father who wants to bless us. That should be in a man, something of the father-heart of God. We want to see some little something of that in a young man so that when he gets married, he will love to bless his wife, and love to bless his family.
Caitlin: Absolutely. And I would say part of the Shabbat is also having the children bless their mother. I think it’s so important, like you were saying, to be training up the young men in the family to be comfortable with blessing their mother first, and then also their siblings. It’s so important. Oftentimes there’s this fear that young men have of blessing, or of complimenting a young woman.
Nancy: They’re just not used to it.
Caitlin: Right. It’s just as if they’re not used to it. You’re right. It’s good for a young man.
Nancy: When they grow up in a home where they’re having a Shabbat meal, and every Friday night they’re seeing their father bless their mother and bless them. And the other part . . . I love it when Colin reads: “Her children will rise up and call her blessed.” He will get all the children to stand up, and each one to say a blessing to their mother. It is getting all these young men already in the habit of blessing their mother.
Caitlin: It’s so good for them to already be familiar and comfortable with that.
Nancy: This is the wonderful way we’re training our children to be blessers.
No. 9. A MAN OF STRONG CHARACTER
He is not swayed by every Tom, Dick, and Harry. He’s strong in his convictions.
No. 10. A M AN WHO IS A HARD WORKER, NOT A SHIRKER
Oh yes, who wants to marry a lazy man? I don’t think any girl wants to marry a lazy man. You’re so proud when a man will be a hard worker who gets stuck in.
Caitlin: It’s so prevalent today, with everyone searching for ease and comfort. It’s very refreshing whenever you find someone, a young man or boy even who’s a hard worker, who knows how to work hard and dig deep and has a great work ethic. That always stands out to a young lady.
Nancy: Yes. Well, I think a lot of young men go to college. Some may work hard there but many go through as playboys. It takes them so many years before they have a really good job, even where they have to work hard.
But once again, it comes to training. Once again, back on us moms, back on us parents. All this comes back to us as parents. Are we training our children with a very good work ethic? And how to work hard, how to work fast. It’s not enough knowing how to work hard, it’s how to work fast. Oh, goodness me! Some know how to laze around and do it so slowly. No, we’ve got to teach them how to get stuck in, and get a job done!
Caitlin: Get after it.
Nancy: I used to love reading to my children when they were young, Cheaper by the Dozen. I wonder if you’ve read that book to your children. It’s a wonderful book. One of the things I loved was when the father . . . every job that the children had to do in the family, he would get out his stopwatch and he would time them. “OK, now we can do it faster than that!”
They were doing the dishes. He would time them. “OK!” Next time he would time them again. Then they would work out how they could take that off the time, and that off the time, so they’d get the time down faster. Every job he would teach them how to do it faster, and also, more effectively as well. I loved that. He was really training his children.
Caitlin: Absolutely. One of my favorite quotes of yours is, “All you need is a little bit of elbow grease!” [laughter]
Nancy: Yes, yes, I have to laugh with my lovely Above Rubies girls. I’m always saying, even when we’ve finished the dishes, we’ve got to wring out the dish cloth. Many of them will press it together with their hands and it’s still full of water. I have to say, “OK, we’ve got wring out this towel!” And I can always get more water out than anybody else. Maybe not you. [laughter] So many people do things so sloppily.
As you say. I was brought up on that. Maybe you can institute that into your family if you don’t already have it. “Come on, we’re going to need some elbow grease here!” That means you get
stuck in and get going. You’re not doing it in a little wimpy way.
A GOOD MAN’S NEVER STUCK!
Now this phrase that I grew up with came down from my father and he got it from his father. That is, “A good man’s never stuck!” That is what we say. It was a Bowen saying because I was Nancy Bowen before I was married. My father constantly said those words when he had to tackle something: “A good man’s never stuck!” He would make sure he could make it work.
We taught our children that, and now even our grandchildren, all our grandchildren, they all know that phrase and they all say it. Now Arden, Serene’s son, he has started this new ministry called “Undefeated Men.” That’s the mandate of their ministry: “A good man’s never stuck!” So, it’s carried down from one, two, three, for about five generations now.
Caitlin: That’s incredible!
Nancy: Keep it going!
Caitlin: Absolutely! As you were saying, we’re preparing for generations of warriors for Christ.
Nancy:
No. 11. A MAN WHO BELIEVES IN PROVIDING FOR HIS FAMILY’
Yes, we did talk about that before, didn’t we? But the Word of God says that a man is an infidel who will not provide for his family (1 Timothy 5:8). That’s something that we train our children in, right from the very beginning.
Number 12. I don’t think we’re going to finish them in this session. We’re going to have to have another session! You can’t leave yet!
Caitlin: I can’t leave yet! No. [laughter]
Nancy:
No. 12. A MAN WHO LOVES CHILDREN
Caitlin: Oh, that’s so important.
Nancy: That’s a beautiful thing, isn’t it? I love our Above Rubies Family Retreats. All the families come from the little ones up to the big ones. You’ve got young teenage boys, and older teenage boys, and the beautiful teen girls. It’s so amazing to look around. You see these big hunks of young men. They’re really getting hunky and growing up there. And they’re carrying around their little baby brothers and sisters.
Caitlin: Sometimes one on each hip!
Nancy: I know! It’s so beautiful! They have the blessing of growing up in big families so there are little ones coming on. To see their love for their little new babies that are coming along in their family, and this may be number 11 or 12. They’re not embarrassed! They’re all carrying them around. Sometimes I’ve seen them fighting over the babies! Who’s going to carry them?
Caitlin: Oh, I see that all the time here on the Hilltop. Young men arguing over, “Oh no, it’s my turn to hold the baby!” “No, it’s my turn!”
Nancy: Yes! These young guys . . . and they’re not wimps! They’re strong young men who know how to work and know how to play. Yet, they love the babies. That’s such a beautiful thing. You know that there is a man who is going to love children.
But then today, you can go into churches, and these young men don’t even look at babies. It’s sad, because many of them have grown up in a 1.9-member family. They never had babies around. It’s not familiar to them. They haven’t been put in their hearts.
But I think that’s a very beautiful thing to see in a young man. You’re looking, wow. You’re sort of feel your heart flipping a little bit. When your heart begins to go “flippity-flippity-flop,” and it will, because this is normal. This is natural. This is how God made us. We’re definitely going to go “flippity-flippity-flop” for this man who God brings to us finally.
But if your heart is beginning to go like that, this is where you need this list, because before you give your heart away, you've got to check. Does he have these character qualities? He may not have them fully fledged and be a great man of God in every quality, but you see the seeds of the man. You see those seeds.
If you don’t see the seeds of them, well, just back off. Back off. But you can see the seeds of them there, and you can know that, yes, he’s got that in his heart. One of these is that he loves children. Amen.
Because a man must go into marriage knowing, knowing who his wife is. Many men don’t know. Many husbands don’t even know who their wives are, because God created the woman with a womb. That’s who she is. A womb-man, a woman. She has a womb.
Proverbs 30 says that there are four things that never say it is enough, that are never satisfied. One is the barren womb. A womb can cry for life. Only a woman who is crying for life knows the agony of it. Many times, her husband says, “No! Can’t have any more! Can’t afford any more!”
He doesn’t know the cruelty that he’s putting upon his wife who is desperately longing for children, because that’s how God made her! We need to know that we’re marrying a man who will be open to embracing children.
Caitlin: It’s important, like you were saying, because we are choosing our children’s father. We have to have that assurance that he’s going to have a heart for those children, and love them deeply and care for them, and have their best interests in mind, of course.
Nancy: Amen. Well, it’s time to close, so you’re not allowed to leave yet! [laughter] We’ve got to do one more, because we’ve got to finish this. This is so important. These character qualities are so important. I do have them in my files, so you're welcome to email me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. and say, “I’d love a copy of them.” I’d be so happy to send them to you. But we will finish talking about them next session, OK?
“May the Lord richly bless you all. Bless your marriage. Bless your families. Bless your children. Oh, God, I pray Your blessings on every mother, every family, every daughter listening. In the precious Name of Jesus. Amen.”
Blessings from Nancy Campbell
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Transcribed by Darlene Norris
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