My Journey Of Infertility
Month after month I sobbed on the bathroom floor. “Why, why, why?” was all I could ask. I poured out my heart to God, begging Him for answers that only He could give. I pleaded and wailed, made bargains and asked questions. There were no answers, no revelations from God…only quietness.
I had just started my cycle, as I had like clockwork for the past eleven years. My husband held me as I cried. He had no answers either.
Everything reminded me that I could not conceive. I would go to the store and see only bubbly infants cooing to their mommas. Maternity clothes beckoned at me from the racks, knowing that I could not buy them again this month. The infant section was not an area I could go into without crying. I skipped the diaper and baby food isles at the grocery store.
It was no easier at church. Most of my friends and family members were expecting. People made suggestions and comments that broke my heart and sent me spiraling into a dark depression. “Just let go and let God…give it to Him.” “Why don’t you adopt?” “You should be thankful for the two children you already have instead of fretting over the ones you can’t have.”
Why didn’t anyone care about me and the hurt I was feeling? Why couldn’t they be a bit more sensitive with their words? Why wasn’t anyone reaching out to me? I was allowing my inability to conceive to rule my life and emotions, affecting all the relationships around me. Sadly, this infertility was a product of my own doing, which only added to my depression.
I fell in “love” in 1991 with a cute boy in my class, Joel. Not long after we started dating I became pregnant. Devastated, we considered abortion. After a series of miraculous events I was not able to abort this baby. I delivered Dakota in October 1992, got married February 1995 and later gave birth to Kennedy in November 1995. Both these children were born before I was 19 years old.
I had never planned on having children. I started college part time and began seeking employment. My husband joined the military and we moved overseas. Because the military was paying for it and others recommended it, we joined the ranks of many who cut off their fertility willingly by having a vasectomy. That was 1996. I enjoyed the freedom the sterilization offered us by not having to worry about an “accident” each month. My husband and I were just 19 years old at the time.
Several years later, we moved back to the United States. A neighbor invited us to a drama at her church. We attended and, that night, both my husband and I gave our lives to the Lord Jesus Christ. We promptly found a church and began serving in any capacity we could.
I began to long for more children. I begged the Lord for a miracle. I pleaded with God, reminding Him that we had no knowledge of Him when we had the vasectomy, so why should we be held accountable for something we did in such ignorance? I cried and looked for answers to my problem. I soon heard of a procedure that reversed the vasectomy resulting in restoring fertility to a couple. I was elated! I begged my husband to check into it. He did. The base where we were stationed did reversals. Praise God! My husband had the necessary medical appointments and put his name on the waiting list.
Months later, after waiting what seemed to be an eternity, we checked with the hospital to see where we were on the list. A mistake had taken place and we were never on the list in the first place. Crushed, I asked my husband to start over, but he had received orders sending us back overseas.
God worked mightily. In 2002, Joel was able to have the reversal done in a military hospital in Europe. Each detail was orchestrated by God alone. This reversal gave me hope. I was sure we would be expecting a baby shortly. How could we not after such a moving of the Lord on our behalf? I bought an armload of maternity clothes, knowing I would need them soon.
Month after month went by with no positive pregnancy tests. My heart plummeted into depression. Wasn’t I being obedient? If so, why wasn’t God blessing? Where was this baby I was sure we would have? Why wasn’t God answering my prayers? I reached out to other women who were suffering with infertility. I found comfort in knowing I was not alone, but none of us could really give the other what we so desired--a baby.
My husband had testing done. We discovered that the reversal was unsuccessful and we would not be able to conceive. I still prayed and asked the Lord to change the outcome. Almost four years went by as I charted temperatures, using ovulation predictor kits--and praying. Months went by. They turned into years.
In the beginning of 2006, upon returning to the United States, we decided to have the reversal done again. Once again I felt hopeful. Six months flew by and we still had not conceived. This time I started to feel peace in whatever the Lord was doing in our lives. I began to see the two children I had as blessings and slowly began letting go of the dream I had for more children. I realized that I needed to adjust my desires to God’s desires, rather than manipulating Him into letting me have my way. Sure, I still wanted to get pregnant, but I was willing to give up what I wanted and embrace what God wanted, which was much better anyway.
Slowly, my heart turned towards the subject of adoption. This was not an option for me before. My husband and children were ready to adopt, but I was holding back, hoping against hope that I could get pregnant. I began reading stories of families who adopted successfully. Ever so quietly, God prepared my heart to accept another woman’s child as my own.
My husband and I called an adoption counselor and began the process. Homestudy, applications, profiles--they filled my world for a short period of time. I had gone from being disinterested in the adoption process to wholeheartedly excited and ready to bring a baby into our home!
All I could think of was the baby God would bless us with through adoption. Three months almost to the day, after meeting our adoption counselor, we brought Isabella into our lives. I was at the hospital the day she was born. I met her birthmother and thanked her for choosing to give life and blessing me with her child. I assured her that Isabella would be taken care of and loved. The birthmother held onto the sweet little bundle for a time and then asked me if I would like to hold her. My heart skipped a beat. I accepted the little girl into my arms and my heart. Two days later, Isabella was released from the hospital to me.
As I look at my precious daughter, I realize this was the baby that I spent years praying for. This was the child God had in mind for me. I can thank and praise God for my years of infertility, for without them I would not have adopted this sweet child. Infertility has allowed me the chance to see God working in my life. As the song says, how can I know God can solve my problems if I never have them? I have witnessed Romans 8:28 in action, seeing God work good from all things, including my mistakes.
Do I still hope to conceive another child? Of course I do. However, I have decided to embrace the gifts God gives me, even if they are not wrapped and delivered in the manner I want them to be.
Sanford, North Carolina, USA
Joel and Jessica’s children are Dakota, Kennedy and Isabella.